Thursday, April 03, 2003
Yeppz. Put the commenting system up. And the mouse trailer. I'm supposed to be doing my e learning homework. And here I am fiddling with my blog. Couldn't control myself. Had to come look at the blogs first. Then I also decided I wanted a mouse trailer. No self discipline at all :P never had any. But just realised how important it is now. It's way past e learning and I still have lots of homework. Like leftover veggie. Eww. Wonder why I thought of that. Sometimes ideas just pop into my head. From nowhere. My mind just wanders off and I suddenly think of something. Or I think of a question and I just zoom past many many thoughts and strange ideas. I'm a BIG dreamer. If I ever listed down what I want to accomplish, it would cover the whole floor of my bedroom. Then if I have to cancel out what I have already done or what I'm trying to do, the remaining stuff would STILL cover the exact same floor area. I think too much and never really do anything. Just like me :P
jasmine 9:39:00 PM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
yeppz. wanted to post the last few days, but the computer was not connected. Ya. My dad disconnected it because my brother and sister were playing some game together the whole day. Not fair. I didn't even touch the computer. I guess life's like that. It's never fair. it's like, you don't do anything but somehow you are still involved in it because of some relationhips. In this case, it's cos we use the same com duh. And then, er...ya. Anyway, jus my luck they're related to me. :P yeppz. I read this really nice book. It's called Ella Enchanted. So happily fairy tale. Ya. I guess I've always looked out for 'and they lived happily ever after' endings, ever since I read my first fairy tale as a child. It's like this yuan2 man3 de jie2 ju2. :D I always loved reading happy books, those fantasy kind with nice people. Totally stereotyped kinds are not nice. I like books that use fairy tales and change them to make the characters different, like in Ella Enchanted. It's actually based on Cinderella, but the girl has much more character than the original...:P. Ya it's nice. Read it. But it's really simple. Probably in the children's section if you go to the library. :P Guess I haven't grown up. Maybe I never will. Maybe I will when I'm a hundred :D
jasmine 9:35:00 PM
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
I want to make a new template. No inspiration. I want to make one all by myself, like the sbblog. Not from a site that provides layouts. I thought I had lots of ideas whenever I think of the layout, but now that I really try to organise them, I realise they are are of different moods and themes. Cannot be put together. So now it's only these bits and pieces without a full design. Ya. It's so easy to think about, but when I really want to do it, it's not that easy. Like this whole big picture without really designing the details. Words, easy. Doing it? Hmm...Everyone has ambitions, but whether they plan their future to pave their way towards it is another thing. Whether they even try. Or do they just dream. I think I am the dreamer kind. I only thought of what to do for the sbblog because eyeballs wanted a sea kind of feeling. I also had many bits of ideas for that, but they were never fully developed or completed. Ya. So I did it. But the words are like invisible. I got too caught up in making the thing look sea and now the words are invisible :P
jasmine 11:57:00 PM
Monday, March 24, 2003
Go and die lorh. I mean, what's her problem. Comparing me with her lorh. Duh I'm not as wonderful in all the stuff. Duh I'll lose lorh. Like I was born like that wad. What am I supposed to do. I wasn't born with a perfect set of encyclopedias in me lorh. I'm me wad. Not like I can suddenly do it well overnight. I try lorh. But it takes time, see? I'm trying as hard as I think I can lorh. I might be able to try harder if I had a little interest in it. Not like she's helping. Just saying how I have to improve. And how do I do that. That idiotic...erm ya just realised I have limited vocab to scold people with. Sigh lah. Not my fault. Not like I take lessons on scolding people. Learnt some from mable that day when she was scolding him for chasing us home at 5:15. But I also realised most people just have a few words they always use to scold people with. Ya. Can just combine all these and start a lecture on scolding people. Ha. Oh I realised I'm not so angry anymore lorh. I think writing in a blog helps a lot. Like you write down what you feel. Then you can leave out names if you dun want to put them down. The person will know if it is meant for her lorh. If you dun like reading it you can always go away lorh. That's why these windows were made with that little cross on top ya? It's my blog.
jasmine 1:23:00 AM
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Felt like screaming at someone. So horrid. Just got irritated at everything. I almost cried that day cos I kept getting this stupid thing wrong. But she was very nice. I just got really angry at myself. Really frustrated. Sometimes it just comes and you feel like being angry but there is no one to be angry at. Then it gets really horrible and you feel like crying. Then she was so nice. Made me feel even worse. Like kind of disappointing her. And like it feels horrible to disappoint a nice person. Like she's so nice. And you don't seem to try hard enough. Don't seem to be able to get anything right. Like, such a failure. And why isn't she even angry like she's supposed to be. It's like my fault. For some reason. I don't know what. But it's my fault. Then I felt all terrible about it. And she continued being too nice. Seriously, she should have been screaming at me lorh. Then she was still so nice. I dunno how to say lorh. It's like letting her down. Ya something like that. And she wasn't even angry.
jasmine 11:56:00 PM
Last day of band camp I injured myself trying to pull eyeballs' clarinet apart. I was like wondering why there was blood on my saliva cloth. But then we were in a hurry so I ignored it. Then on our way to the band room I saw my finger was bleeding cos some of my skin got dug out. Like this patch of skin with its two ends joined onto the finger but the middle left hanging. So the skin was like floating in the blood. So sick. I freaked lorh. Not like everyday my skin gets dug out by a clarinet. Then when I was washing it one of the ends of the skin broke off my finger and then the blood was dripping from it. eww...ya...k...our presentation was funny...hmm...
We got that dunno who guy teacher for maths trail. On the way back to school, gek and I were sitting right behind him. Then halfway through we saw him start sleeping. Then his head kept falling to the left and then he would jerk awake and continue sleeping. We were waiting for his head to fall to the right and knock the window but it didn't. It just kept falling to the left. He must have had experience sleeping in the bus. Ya. Then we were talking about other stuff. Then suddenly, we heard a bang. Yay. Haha. Ya things always don't happen when you are waiting for them to. They just like to happen at strange times when you are not really expecting it, or waiting for it. Like that proverb about a watched kettle? pot? never boils? nvm. ya. Just that it's really irritating when you wait for something and it doesn't come, then it happens when you have found another alternative. Ya. Maybe we're not supposed to wait for things to happen. Make them happen. Oh no. Imagine if we like went up in front and pushed his head towards the window...haha. Not like that lah. As in, we have to work for things ourselves and not just wait for wonders to happen. They don't just appear cos you think of them ya? Hm. I'm still trying to imagine us going to push his head against the window.
jasmine 2:02:00 AM
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Something scary happened to me yesterday. Ya. Shall not put it here. Just that sometimes you just make the correct decision by luck. Guesswork. Choose any one and it could be right. Hmm. I did that yesterday.
Sometimes both choices are right. Just depends on what you want happening to you. There are always good and bad points about certain decisions. Just depends on the path you want to take in the future. If only we could see into the future. Then our life wouldn't be so confusing. So difficult. All the difficulties you don't know whether to face or avoid. The usual advice would be to face it, but is there really a correct answer? Maybe it would be easier to run away, but with one more worry. Depends on whether we think sleeping well or an easier way out is more important. Do what your heart tells you to. Often, it is the "right" way. Cos that's what you want, and that's what you did, and you can live a life without regrets, knowing you have always done what you wanted to.
Follow your heart.
jasmine 4:43:00 AM
Friday, March 14, 2003
This is it. The term is over. And to think back, what have I done in these three months. I wasted my time away. What have I learnt. Nothing much, when it comes to school work. But why do I still feel so tired. So dead. Like the whole world is collapsing on me. But I don't seem to have done anything tiring. Maybe that IS why I feel so tired. All the regrets, the knowing I have just wasted another three months of my life. Three months seem okay. It's just three months. In our whole long life. But many three months add up to years and decades, and at the end of all that, we look back, like now, and realise our life is empty. No new things learnt, nothing tried. Nothing much to think about cos there is no thinking to be done. Then we will go if only but they are not going to come true. Time will not go back just for you to try again. Or throw you back through time and space to go to another section of its existence without death. It goes on forever, but people don't. Live a life without regrets and cherish every single second, cos tomorrow might never come, or you might never come into tomorrow.
jasmine 6:12:00 AM
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
I just decided to call my clarinet Aleathea! Yay. You've been telling me to think of one. I have. See. Aleathea. My sis says it means truth. Actually truth is Alethea but my clarinet says she wants a special name :) Haha. My sis says my name is Persian. It means the flower lah. Ya. Just wondering...how do parents think of names for their babies. Maybe they play scissors paper stone I win then it starts with A you win then it starts with G or something. Then they draw out the second letter from this big lucky draw box. The kind where you can see through and see what is going on inside as the guy picks out a letter. Then the guy has to pretend he's not looking. I think he looks. Haha. Oh ya. Guess how I thought of the name. I was reading this book where everyone's name starts with Al like Alvina and Alorna and all the nice nice Al names. I suddenly decided that my clarinet's name would start with Al :)
jasmine 10:35:00 PM
Monday, February 24, 2003
I was just thinking about things. Suddenly realised they also have their own lives to lead. Not some indestructable pillar we can always lean against. They can't keep turning back to help us up when we fall. One day we'll be alone. Just thinking about "those days" when they were always there. And trying to get up on our own. I'll miss them. A lot. But everything still goes on. Like nothing ever happened. Everything's the same. We have to continue going on. Without the pillar. Build our own pillars. What about a whole wall. A building. To shut us in from the world outside. Protective barrier. Everything's decided for us now. Next time we'll have to make our own choices. Right or wrong, they're our choices and we'll have to live with the consequences.
jasmine 3:06:00 AM
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
I weep for you
little girl
at night, as you sleep
as I look into your innocent eyes
I burn black and cry for you
let me twist and turn
in my own personal hell
in mental anguish
as I try to save you from tomorrow
from the pain of growing up
and being pushed into reality
before the door to childhood has been locked
let me blind you and bind you from this mess
little girl
NO!
damn me
little girl
for years gone wrong
behind locked and closed doors
"blood is thicker"
damn me
for hiding
little girl
remind me
little girl
of tears running down my face
when the same confusion got trapped in my head
remind me
of my once innocent eyes
replace the mirror between us
little girl
and let me writhe with envy
and hopelessly wish to reclaim
the power of child
we were darkened
by the same careless naivete
that gives us strength
hide from them
little girl
let me weep
So sad. Strange why I like it. It feels very real. Often hear how they say it's a special thing growing up. Is it really. Pushes us closer to all the mess of adulthood. All the responsibility. Scary. Don't ever want to grow up.
jasmine 11:01:00 PM
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Must learn to appreciate the finer things in life. People are just so busy thinking that they don't hear the birds in the trees. Who actually stops to look up at the sky and see how blue it is. k probably just to check if it's going to rain. But other than that? So occupied with other stuff that you don't even have time to just stand still and feel the breeze. It's the kind of little things people miss. Maybe one day the birds, sky and wind will disappear and no one will notice. Maybe tomorrow. What's the use of being extra smart or extra rich if you're not a happy person. In this kind of busy life, who will take time to look where that snail is going. Why waste time staring at this kind of things when this time can be better spent on earning more money. All the special things we miss. oh no. But there's homework waiting to be done. Better hurry on. Hurry hurry.
jasmine 2:18:00 AM
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
I just feel like a different person everyday. Changing, somehow. Not knowing why. Some days I just lie in bed at night being afraid of monsters under my bed. Others I think the night is a friend, the dark is a friend. Some days I feel really happy to be doing homework, just this sense of accomplishment finishing all my homework, even those that are due a long time away. Some OTHER days...I just don't feel like doing anything at all...leave everything till the next morning, somehow I'll get it done. And I rush like I'm crazy. Why. Oh ya. About the talents. Do you think my talent is sleeping. Does that count. I think I can only sleep well enough to pass. Other things I can't do properly. Maybe I was late at the drawing lots ceremony and got nothing so I got the only thing that was not taken. Sleeping. (continuation of yesterday's fantasy). Never mind. Ignore me. I'm being crazy again. Bell just rang so...ya...
jasmine 5:38:00 PM
The fear jumped at him for the third time like a great animal that had been waiting to spring. Will lay terrified, shaking, feeling himself shake, and yet unable to move. He felt he must be going mad. Outside, the wind moaned, paused, rose into a sudden howl, and there was a noise, a muffled scraping thump, against the skylight in the ceiling of his room. And then in a dreadful furious moment, horror seized him like a nightmare made real; there came a wrenching crash, with the howling of the wind suddenly much louder and closer, and a great blast of cold; and the Feeling came hurtling against him with such force of dread that it flung him cowering away. Will shrieked. He only knew it afterwards; he was far too deep in fear to hear the sound of his own voice. For an appalling pitch-black moment he lay scarcely unconscious, lost somewhere out of the world, out in black space.
Dunno why I put that. But it's so nice right. It's from [The Dark is Rising] by Susan Cooper. Described so nicely. So vividly. You can almost feel the fear. Feel scared with Will. Excited. If only I could write like that. But then again, I don't have to. Everyone has his or her own talent. Only I haven't found mine yet. But that's not the point. Just that if everyone could write like that, it wouldn't be so special anymore. This passage would not even be in this book. It would seem normal to be able to write like that. We would all be aiming to write even better stuff. Hmm. Wonder how they decide what kind of strengths and weaknesses we have. Maybe in heaven before we get born we get to draw lots. Haha. Then we get born with some sort of talent hidden inside us. Like some sort of paper with our designated talent hidden in one of the cells. Or whatever they write with. What do you think. I think I'm crazy. Very.
jasmine 8:21:00 AM
Monday, February 10, 2003
We had Art today. We had this competition on the artists and stuff. Then she told us about some of the artists. Van Gogh so loser! Guess why he chopped off his ear. Supposedly he was chasing this other guy with the knife and then he was too slow or something. He didn't catch the guy so he chopped off his own ear instead. Gosh. Loser.
So many days didn't post already. My bro always play the donnowhat game until very late. Try to wait for him to finish. Always fall asleep. I even tell him I want to use the com for 15 minutes only he still never let me use. That day I waited until very very late but I still fell asleep. Then the next day I very tired so I decided to take an "afternoon nap" at 4 in the afternoon. Guess what. Surprise Surprise I woke up at 7 the next morning because my mom called me up to go for piano lesson. So loser also. Ya. So dumb. Then yesterday dunno why my bro went to sleep so early. I was so happy. Came to post. But internet connection not working. So smart. No wonder he went to sleep. I guess he has nothing better to do than play that game thingy. They all like that one. Ha. Not like us the superior species of the human race.
jasmine 4:16:00 AM
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
Hurt. She scolded me. I didn't do it. She just needed someone to scold. I suppose. Was in a bad mood. I think she looks a little tired. All that running about. Bringing us to school. Fetching us home. ya. Why do people feel tired. I can go for days with very little sleep, accumulating all the hours. Then one day I give up. Very tired. Cry. Tired till the next weekends. Cry again. Long sleep. Bliss. Then it starts all over again. Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up. Stupid. Why is my life so horrible. Do I even have one. If doing the exact same things everyday is life, there is no death. It's just this cycle that goes on. And on. Why.
jasmine 12:27:00 AM
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
Some things will never change. Piglet will always be Piglet even if I change her name. I'll forget that Piglet has some other name and keep calling Piglet Piglet. If I change my name next time I'll forget to reply when people talk to me using my new name. Maybe they will also forget to call me by my new name. I keep forgetting that the sec 2s are sec 3s now and the sec 3s are sec 4s now. And we're sec 2s. I think I will always remember them as sec 2s and sec 3s.
I think I'm very attached to the corridor now. I didn't know it. I was thinking about it just now. I just realised I'm spending most of the free time I have in school at the corridor. Like almost every recess and lunch you can find me there. I should think if the corridor was suddenly not there, there would be one less thing to look forward to everyday. And after school you would find me wandering about aimlessly. I think I have become very dependent on the corridor. And the people there. To be there whenever I need someone to talk to. I love all of you and I'm glad I know you.
jasmine 4:21:00 AM
Monday, February 03, 2003
It's horrible being afraid of someone. Suddenly feeling weak whenever you see the person. I wonder if it will work. I thought of something to think of when you are face to face with the person. You can think of tonight's dinner. You can think of what your little cousin is doing right now. Think of how you've finished all your homework. Think of how Piglet is being hung out to dry, by the legs or by the ears. Think of all the familiar things in your life. Let the person be in the background, non-existant. Concentrate hard enough and the person's words will be just the buzzing of a bee. Think hard enough and the person will go away more quickly. I guess you won't be afraid of a person unless you tell yourself you are.
jasmine 3:42:00 AM
Saturday, February 01, 2003
Why do I look into some people's faces and find some hidden feelings inside. People don't want to be left out, odd one out. Even if they don't like something but everyone else does, they like it. They have to. Or they'll be labelled weird. Strange. Odd one out. Why. They hide their true feelings. Put on a false pretence. Good show. But all the time suppressing themselves. Their own true self. What is it all for. And somehow, if this goes on long enough, your own self will be buried too deep down to find. You'll be someone else. No feelings of your own. No thoughts of your own. And soon there'll be the loss of ability to even think for yourself. Is this really correct. Is this really what I want. What I feel. This is crazy.
jasmine 6:14:00 AM
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Do you think the universe was really created in this big explosion. It's so fake. Having no universe means having nothing right. Then why can nothing explode into something. Or how can nothing even explode. Some things just don't have an explanation to them. Why do we have to try to explain everything on Earth. In the world. Just leave the questions without answers. Leave space for imagination. If there wasn't the thing about the explosion, people could have many images of the world forming. Like bits of it appeared suddenly one day and they rearranged themselves and stuck together and formed the universe. Haha. Very fake also. But at least it's MY imagination. Not some fixed thing that someone says and we all go "okay". It's better. Just give up finding answers. Sometimes it's really impossible.
jasmine 7:24:00 PM
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
I dreamt of me lazing about with no homework waiting to be done. Then suddenly this whole long line of books and worksheets appeared from nowhere and started marching towards me. Sigh. Why. It's nice to dream if you dream of nice things. Not of homework holding knives and forks lining up to take a bite. Yuck. Daydream of nice places and you feel happy. Really happy. Not some stupid smile pasted on your face just because you are supposed to be happy. Dreams are what you think of in the day, but when did I ever think of homework chasing after me. And WHY. Isn't it strange, how you seem to not be thinking but how lists of funny things are going through your subconscious mind. Maybe I was thinking of Piglet just now but didn't know it. Maybe these thoughts only surface when we are sleeping, when we are not thinking. How complicated. I like this kind of stuff. I'll think and think about it and one day I will suddenly understand, but there is no way to explain it to others. They will have to think for themselves.
jasmine 7:11:00 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
Trying out new layout.
jasmine 12:03:00 AM
